No promise of time

Blame my absence of almost a month on some intense writer’s block …. or the fact that, for a while there, I actually forgot I had a blog … or, just simply, life.

I choose all of the above.

I attended a memorial for a friend’s husband a while back, he was 40 years old when he passed, and something the pastor said during the memorial really struck me … he said that often times, when we lose someone, we will declare that he or she was taken from us too soon, that we were robbed of time with this special person; however, from day one, we are never promised a certain amount of time spent living, nor are we promised years and years with the ones we love, so how can we say that we’ve been robbed when there was never a guarantee to begin with? Of course, I can absolutely understand anyone who would pound their fists into the table … the floor, even … and demand why they lost out on a long life with this person, why they were taken from them so early in life … I often wonder that myself when I hear of someone young passing away … but this pastor made a valid point and made me think … he made me look at life and my loved ones a little differently and made me think hard about how we tend to take our loved ones for granted, certain that they will be there tomorrow, next week, next year. To be truthful, it even kind of put me into a state of panic … wondering if everyone I love and care about knows as much … wondering if I call them enough or tell them I love them enough.

I used to find myself trying to rush through some days, trying to make tomorrow or next week come quicker; now I realize the foolishness and the ignorance of this way of thinking and I am now trying to, as cliche as it is, live in the present … view today as a gift.

 

Got Gum?

The other day I came to the realization that I am, in fact, slowly losing my mind … or my memory.

Case and point … and the last straw: I have absolutely no idea where the piece of gum I had been chewing the other day went! Had I swallowed it? Did I spit it out? Could it possibly be tangled in someone’s hair? In my hair for that matter? Would it be found, weeks from now, wedged between my aunt’s couch cushions? I had no clue! I had even forgotten that I had been chewing gum in the first place until my sister reminded me! I still don’t know where that piece of gum went … how it ended up outside of my mouth and god knows where … chances are I did swallow it but I also wouldn’t be surprised if I find it stuck to the bottom of my diaper bag, or side of the car seat.

Mommy brain has been taken to a whole new level people! Here’s hoping it doesn’t last … here’s hoping I stop repeating my stories like my mother in-law (yikes!) … here’s hoping I don’t get lost while walking through my neighborhood … here’s hoping I don’t forget I have a baby … and here’s hoping that rogue piece of gum made its way safely into a garbage can!!!

UN-Domesticated Goddess

I really dislike cooking … I never bake … I could eat the same thing every day and never be phased … I stuff things in drawers if I’m not sure I want to throw it out … I sometimes sweep things under the stove to avoid bringing out the vacuum yet again … I have NO idea how I will survive when my baby grows into an elementary school aged child and I will have to provide a nutritious dinner (almost) every night, because, right now, hubby and I can still get away with cereal for dinner if we’re so inclined.  On Pinterest, I have a board dedicated to many recipes that I’d LOVE to try … truth is, I’d really just like to eat them and have someone else make them for me … another truth? Chances are, most of these recipes will never come to life in my kitchen by my own hands. I will tell you this, though … I can clean a house like a you know what, and I kinda enjoy it (don’t tell anyone).  Where I am lacking is in the kitchen; hubby knows it and, thankfully, doesn’t care that much. I stick to the staple meals every week, with an added slow cooker dish here and there from my “5 ingredient slow-cooker meals” recipe book (thank you, Company’s Coming), but I have to admit, meal-wise, I am quite boring and lack complete variety!  I have some friends who are amazing in the meals they prepare, and, perhaps, if I followed a recipe, I could make the same things they do, however, as much as they impress me and as much as I wish that I had the “I love to cook/bake” gene, I just don’t care to take the time. I do have high hopes, though, that, as time goes on and as my baby (eventually to be a plural word) grows up, I will embrace my kitchen and trust in my ability to provide great meals (not to mention, new meals) … I cringe at the thought of my children having fries and nuggets for dinner regularly and promise myself (and hubby) that this will not happen. Thank god hubby is ok with my mediocre (to say the least) kitchen skills …he knew what he was getting into when he married me 🙂

Recently added to my “Favorite Things” list …

In no particular order:

1. Toms: Now, I must be honest and admit that I made fun of a friend who was wearing these shoes the first time I saw them. I wondered what could possibly be appealing about these seemingly plan, slipper-like shoe … and then I tried a pair on. I was hooked! Super comfy, super cute with a pair of jeans on my many jeans and t-shirt days, and oh so addicting with their many colors and patterns. I’ve started with black …. but I won’t stop there!

2. The Hunger Games Trilogy: I never believed that there would ever again be a book series that had me as captivated as Twilight, but I was most definitely mistaken. I read this trilogy in under 2 weeks, the first book alone I devoured in less than three days … trust me, this is quite the feat with a 5 month old on my hands … not to worry, I wasn’t neglectful of my parenting and cuddling duties … my little one must have known mommy was buried in a book as this was the weekend she chose to take 2 hour (or longer) naps. Like Twilight, this book series is meant for young adults, but it was amazing and even, dare I say, has replaced Twilight as my new favorite series. I borrowed the trilogy from a friend but will be going to buy my own in preparation for my wanting to read it again in a few months time. Don’t even get me started on the fact that a Hunger Games movie is coming out soon … SHRIEEEEK!!!!

 

 

3.  Pinterest: Just when I thought I was safe from all these time-suck websites, having reigned in my Facebook addiction considerably, I was introduced into the world of Pinterest.  The concept of this site confused me at first, I failed to see the point; but I persevered, pushed through my negativity and that’s when it became fun … and yes, addicting. I don’t know who came up with this idea; so simple, yet so fun …. virtual bulletin boards you say? Sign me up!

4. Aldo’s Wedge Pumps: I don’t wear heels often, mainly because I have nowhere to really wear them to but also because they’re just not comfortable.  They look great, and I love to look at them and even plan what I would wear with them should I own this pair or that, but I rarely buy them as I fear they would collect dust in my closet while I go about my days in my Toms or my flip-flops (season permitting) or my runners. My girlfriend recently sent me an Aldo link showing me their wedge pumps and I was instantly in love! I’m a HUGE fan of the wedge, always have been, and now, Aldo was answering my prayers with a dressy shoe just for me … a shoe I can walk in properly, wear more comfortably than the couple of pairs of stilettos sitting in my closet AND wear with more than just dresses, skirts or dress pants … hence giving me a reason to ditch my excuse of not buying them because I won’t wear them enough to get my money’s worth.  Like my aforementioned Toms, these also come in many different colors BUT true to my nature, I will start with black and work from there.

5.Starbucks’ Ceramic Travel Mug:I was given this for Christmas by a close friend who is very much aware of my love for tea. I’ve had it for two months now and it is already stained on the inside, has its own special place inside my cup cupboard, has never been inside the dishwasher as it MUST be washed by hand, and had been my faithful tea drinking companion every morning since.  I loved this gift so much that I bought one for another friend who loved it just as much as I love mine.

 

 

6. Jeggings: like leggings only made of stretchy denim …. ummm, can someone please explain to me how I wasn’t wearing these until a couple of weeks ago? I think I’m in love.

One year ago …

One year ago I was a mere 2 months pregnant (if that), and it’s so strange to me how I can remember exactly how life was at that time, what I was feeling, even as far as remembering some of my thoughts.  I mean, 365 days is a lot of time, isn’t it?  No, you’re right, it really isn’t.

I’ve found myself being a tad nostalgic recently; is it nostalgia if it was only one year ago? Now, don’t misunderstand me, I am in no way wishing away my little girl, the love and the light of my life, I am just wishing for a time when the rapid passage of time didn’t scare me … didn’t mean a newborn growing into a 5 month old almost instantly, taking away her baby days; days I want to soak up and remember every second of … when the rapid passage of time didn’t bring with it the end of these absolutely wonderful, work-free, stay at home all day with my baby girl days …. not to mention my looming 30th birthday.  One year ago she was a part of me just as she is now and  oh, how I loved having her growing in my belly … I think this may be the reason for my nostalgia … I LOVED being pregnant! I loved everything about it, especially the anticipation of meeting this little person after 40 weeks (weeks which flew by for me despite being told otherwise) and finding out if my hunch that I was having a girl was, in fact, right.

I also believe that another reason for my nostalgia is to bring back the first day she was born and to be able to relive her first months one more time because they passed by in such a whirl of love, smiles, laughter and kisses that I’m afraid I missed something. Of course, I realize she IS still only 5 months old (as of next week) and most definitely still a baby and oh how I love her so infinitely that it almost hurts … and how fun she is now; how amazing she is as she changes and learns something new every day … how I learn something new every day!

I’m certainly not living in the past … I think I’m just yearning for a time that went by so damn quickly because I want to make sure I remember it all … and if I forget, well, thank god I have millions of pictures to remind me!

Taken on baby's due date ... she was born 4 days later.

Time …

How can I savor every moment when time moves so damn fast?  This was my thought last night when I was giving baby girl one last snuggle before I laid her in her crib; my face pressed against hers, taking in her wonderful baby scent and feeling her little hand wrapped around my index finger. She’ll be 5 months old in one week … 5 MONTHS!  Just yesterday I was feeling her moving around inside my belly, making me wonder who was in there, and now she’s almost half a year old.  I’ve loved every second of these last 5 months, every second, soaking her up and watching her grow; but I struggle to recall where this time has gone.  I sometimes wonder, if, maybe, I slowed down a bit, time would slow with me, but I’ve tried it and, sadly, it doesn’t.

I want to remember every minute of every day with her and it panics me that these days will slip away from my memory as they slip from future, to present, to past. I’m quite task oriented and thrive on routine (boring? comforting? Who knows!) and will look back on my day, at times, and wonder if I took that extra minute to steal one more kiss from my little girl, to give her another snuggle, to share another smile.  I’m afraid that, with days passing so quickly, she’ll not feel the infinite love I have for her, every day. That, maybe, a day will pass where I don’t hold her as much as she would like because I’ve been busy with my daily household tasks … tasks that, most certainly, take a far backseat to her but cannot be ignored at the same time (well, so I believe anyway).  I don’t want to miss anything … I want to be there when she lifts her head and looks for me; I want to be there to catch the smile she throws my way while playing with her toys … I don’t want to have my nose buried in chores or budgets or thoughts of things I need to be doing or “should be” doing.  She deserves all of me … and I deserve all of her. Anything else can wait.

From now on, it will be my conscience decision to let everything else fall away when I am with my daughter; to let the dishwasher sit unemptied, the laundry unfolded, the carpets unvacuumed.  To allow my mind to be consumed with nothing else but her … I can’t get these days back after all.

Warning … Common Sense Required

This morning I was nursing Aliya, sitting in the glider in her room, when I turned my head to the left and caught this on a warning label attached to her change pad on the dresser: WARNING: Do not place baby face down on mat …. ummmm, really? First of all, let me just go ahead and point out the obvious … how on earth would one expect to be able to change a baby’s diaper if he or she were laying face down? Don’t even get me started on the placement of the tabs on the diapers, would this mean that the diapers would be put on backwards? How about the sleepers? The onesies? Secondly, and the big, fat elephant in the room, who, in their right mind, would place their baby face down!!!!  on a change pad? Isn’t it just common sense that, when you set baby down ANYWHERE you set them down on their back or their bums if they can sit unassisted? Call me crazy, but I thought this was just a known fact. Of course, I do know about tummy time and so on, but there’s a time and a place for that people and the place is definitely not the change pad! I could go on and on but I will just say this, clearly there are people out there who have put their child face down on the change pad with not so great outcomes, otherwise, why would the manufacturer even be compelled to add this warning to their product?  This goes right on up there with the warning labels on car seats encouraging parents it’s a bad idea not to strap their child in and the labels on matches that warn consumers that the contents may catch fire.

Making Strange

Aliya has been making strange since the chaos that was Christmas.  I find myself apologizing for it even though I have absolutely no control over how she reacts to people … it’s kinda stressful really. And she does it with almost everyone right now but especially with my dad who seems to think, and likes to tell me so, that this is my fault and I should be “exposing her to people more” … I spoke to the public health nurse about this when I took Aliya for her 4 month shots and she explained to me that it’s just a phase (although it could last for a few months) and that it is perfectly normal for a child to behave this way.  She also calmed my fears that I was, in fact, somehow to blame for this behavior and reassured me that Aliya is just very attached to me and my husband right now, and anyone else, she feels, is trying to detach her from us when they hold her.

It’s awful to see though. Her bottom lip pokes out and her face crumples once she realizes that I’m not the one holding her, and she busts out into a full blown, heart wrenching cry. My dad also believes that I should just allow her to stay with that person and cry until she “gets used to them” … some advice I don’t care to follow as I feel that’s it would be totally unfair of me to do that to her …. plus, I hate to see her cry. I do feel terrible when she makes strange with people, I so desperately want her to love everyone who loves her (although I know it has nothing to do with her loving or not loving anyone) and to be able to sit with them and cuddle with them. I worry that it hurts people’s feelings …. but then, I worry all the time … and, again, I apologize.

My husband works full time and doesn’t get home until 5pm Monday-Friday, and by the time he arrives home, I am preparing the baby for her bath and she is on the brink of exhaustion (despite her naps during the day) … so when he comes to see her, there are some times when she starts to cry when he picks her up. This hurts his feelings and he thinks she’s making strange. I’ve explained to him that she is just tired and over-stimulated, that, right now, she’s very touchy and ready for the day to be over, but this explanation doesn’t appease him. The other night she cried when her daddy picked her up and he got angry with me, telling me I was doing something wrong, that I needed to start letting her “cry it out” … he made me feel like a failure. He later apologized, said it was his emotions speaking, and that he thought I was doing a great job.  Of course I believe him, he often tells me how great he thinks I’m doing, but his words still cut a little deep. I am, after all, doing the best I know how. I know Aliya’s making strange is just a phase, though phases most certainly can last a while, and I also try to know that I’m not causing this behavior.

On another (funnier) note, the other day, I was using the “booger sucker” on little Miss Aliya and hadn’t realized I had already gotten the bat out of the cave so when I squeezed the ball in preparation to go back in, the lovely large “bat” I had unknowingly sucked up shot out at warp speed and landed on baby’s right cheek. She blinked with the impact and I nearly died laughing!

toys … toys … everywhere!

Before I gave birth to my daughter, I was a neat freak … not Danny Tanner neat freak, but enough so that my house never looked at all out-of-order. I worried that once baby arrived it would all go to shit and I’d be living amongst a tornado of toys, blankets, soothers and bouncy seats; I worried about having to look after a newborn all the while trying to maintain the cleanliness of our house.

Since baby has been in our lives (outside of the womb) I’m still tidy but I now actually take pride in the basket of toys beside the couch, the blankets of pinks and purples folded on the back of the couch, and the bouncy seat, swing and exersaucer on display in our livingroom 24/7. I no longer scramble to tidy things up when someone’s coming over, instead, things stay where they lay; generally meaning that our guests, if they choose to come during the day, have to step over or walk around the pink quilt my grandma made for Aliya or her play mat, and be mindful not to kick the random toys into the path of Riley (our black lab cross).  It also means that if they want to sit on our sectional, they may have to move a receiving blanket or two, a breastfeeding pillow or a soother … and I don’t mind in the least and, funny enough, neither do they.

Thankfully, I still don’t live amongst a tornado of  baby friendly stuff, it all has its rightful place once baby has gone down for the night, but I’m slowly learning to let go of my cleaning tendencies (save for my morning routine of emptying the dishwasher and tidying the main floor) and just sit back and enjoy this amazing time in my life, watching my newborn grow into a 4 month old and beyond.  I no longer have to remind myself that with her is the most important place for me to be, even if it means laying on the floor on her blanket with her or sitting cross-legged on the floor, she in her bouncy seat having a “conversation”. The nagging feeling of there’s laundry to be done, the bathrooms need scrubbing escapes me now because I know I’ll get to it … eventually.

here goes nothing …

Well, this here, my friends, is my third …. yep, I said third … attempt at blogging. Cross your fingers and your toes that this time it sticks … that I can finally watch my archives list expand past 2012 … heck, even expand past two or three months from now! I figured I’d give this blogging thing one last go because I’m almost certain that now that I have a child, I will have more to say than when I was just merely (not to mention desperately) wishing for a baby.  That being said, I have no plan for this blog … no theme … no specifics …. it’ll probably wind up being a random compilation of my daily (or weekly) venting sessions, mishaps, thoughts, queries and so on and so forth …. but then again, isn’t that what blogs are usually like?

So, here goes me: I’m a control freak …. Hello, my name is Jaime and I am a control freak! … Previously, I had been in denial about this fact about myself, getting irritated with anyone who even dared to suggest that I was anything but placid and go with the flow … ummm, ya … placid? Go with the flow? What the hell was I thinking???? I am NEITHER of those things! It actually took having a baby to realize that, yes, I am, in fact, a damn control freak … well, maybe not realize it, I have a deep suspicion that I’ve actually known this all along, let’s rephrase shall we? … since having Aliya I have ACCEPTED the fact that everything, and I mean everything, has to be done the way I do it or like it to be done …. when it comes to the baby anyway … and driving. I fought this and anyone, especially my husband, who mentioned it, tooth and nail … deny deny deny …. only to take a step back after arguing with my hubby following an incident where I “coached” him through holding baby the “right” way, and noticing that, gasp I am a crazy, nutty, SOOOO not go with the flow kinda gal. I mean, c’mon people, it even stresses me out when we’re going somewhere and hubby will take the “wrong” route … my route is always the quickest you know! HA! Sometimes, if I was someone other than me, I would so desperately want to punch me!  However, I do feel more at peace with myself now; now that I’ve actually admitted to this unfortunate flaw of mine …. when someone tells me I’m being controlling, rather than fight it and attempt to defend my antics, I just shrug and say “yep, I am …. and?” …. I’ve begun to learn, at the ripe old age of 29, that this is me … and even though I can certainly learn to relax a little and allow others (specifically my hubby) to take the reins, I don’t think I will ever be completely rid of this Type A behavior …. BUT I do need to remind myself that the baby won’t die if her diaper is done up wrong, she won’t get hurt if he forgets her bedtime lotion one night, and it’s not worth getting mad or stressed when he speaks “too loudly” to her making her jump, or can’t figure out how to put her sock on while she’s kicking her feet up in the air … nor will we die if he decides to take the “scenic” route to where ever we’re going or if he wants to drive in the slow lane on the highway behind someone going 80 km/hr (Grrrrrrr!!!!).

Inhale … Exhale …